​
A Love Note to Trail Ultra
The consequences of an aspiring mountain runner: failure and learning to forgive
The Story
August 2025. It had rained through the night but when the first beams of light made their way over the ridge, it was only my spirit that was dampened. As I sipped the coffee that I wanted to be warm I noticed pieces of ramen noodles still in the cup, remnants of my previous stop. I couldn’t stay at the aid station any longer and through tears I asked for permission to quit.
Twelve hours later it’s mile 92, I discarded the half-eaten quesadilla from my waistbelt and I am barely moving. I am about to cross a meaningful line, and I can’t be proud of myself. 37 fucking hours, and counting. This isn’t how I envisioned this moment. I don’t feel worthy of saying I finished a 100-miler.
​
Winter 2022. This love story started on a whim. I remember the exact moment that forever altered my life. This was one of most consequential decisions I have ever made, and the only one I’ve ever made without consideration. I had just finished a workout and was walking on the treadmill scrolling through Instagram when I saw it. My friend Kelly shared a photo of the buckle you receive when you finish a 100-mile race in the Crazy Mountains of Montana. Without hesitation I messaged her, “well it looks like I’m doing this”. I had never heard of ultra. I hadn’t read Haynes or Goggins’ and I hadn’t smiled with Glaze. I didn’t know this world existed. The only thing I was sure of is that I craved something in my life and I felt the need to do the seemingly wild and (im)possible.
Summer 2023. My first trip down single track was a hot August morning in Lory State Park, Colorado. As I descended a downhill section with the light dancing through the pines and a sense of fearlessness, I said “this is what I am meant to do”. I have spent the last three years proving that to myself.
​
How often do we spend time with ourselves without distraction?
​
The time spent training is the selfish gift I give myself. The long, tiring days in the hills allow me to access places in my mind I don’t know how to get to otherwise. I feel that it is too noisy in the day-to-day. Many times it’s not pretty when I get inside there. It’s quite spectacular how good I am at picking and clawing to uncover the darkest places in my mind and being. The still frames of past mistakes, feelings of insecurity and jealousy. I go to wild and beautiful places and put myself into a position where I am forced to reconcile with those feelings. One more step, one more crest. Until my chemistry changes. My chemistry has changed.
​
​
The Evolution
Ups and downs and in between. Show me your weakest parts and I’ll show you mine. Everything is beautiful, nothing hurts.
I’ve raced injured, broken hearted, and fueled by ego that told me I am better, more capable, than I really am. I have met failure in each of those states. Most recently I’ve raced with dying blood of my ego still on my hands, and free of expectations. I have begun to find my legs and find my voice, and insecurity of past failures, in life and on the trail, have faded. I finally feel like I am good enough to be toeing the line of these big races and I no longer need to insulate myself while I prove it.
Now when I see you on the trail I’ll let you know you look strong, even when you don’t, because I know you’ll do the same for me.
Consequence and Forgiveness
Finding what I’m capable of, and consequentially the breaking point, is part of the motivation for doing these big races and how this journey has evolved. Last year in The San Juan Softie, a 100-miler in Durango, CO, I certainly found that out.
I got to the point where I... would have quit if it hadn’t been for the support around me and I've had a hard time with that ever since; because I got to that point where I wanted to quit. Over the last 11 months, it’s been an ever-present weight and I’ve despised myself for what I was willing to do that day, for not living up to self-fabricated expectations of the ones I love and myself.
​
The important part.
I was finally able to forgive myself. What I’ve remembered and has finally become clear, is that the way I felt in that race was part of the point, part of the original motivation after all. Rather than being upset with myself for finding that point, what the realization is, is that I need to... be grateful for that opportunity. Grateful that there were people there to support me and not be disappointed that I found the breaking point. Be glad that I found it and celebrate it, 'cause there's really only one way to it, and it's by embarking on those incredibly grueling journeys. So... the next time I'm at that point where I want to quit, I can remember... how grateful I am to be there, and then keep moving.
​
0.3767%
At the time of this writing I am 13 days out from my third attempt at the Crazy Mountain 100. I must finish in 36 hours and if everything goes well, I believe I can do it in under 33. The pursuit of finishing this race has altered the course of my life, who I am, who I want to become, and the legacy I’ll leave, with kin and friends the same. Undoubtably there will be miles of suffering and suffering doesn’t have to be emotional. 33 hours is 0.3767% of the year. Not only can I make it that long, I can also cherish and be grateful for every moment.
​
Soundtrack
I have drawn inspiration from songs and these are a few of the lines that have resonated with me:
“Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt”
- Vonnegut, written by Cory Call, Kyle Oppold, performed by Arliss Nancy.
“Well, I have loved you for so long, I have no memory of fallin’…”
and
“Oh, now still beat steady this heart I handed you for free
Should you ever need a thing, it won’t be hard to find me
Standing at the ready with a dance or two still left in me
Wager that it won’t appear that I’ve forgot who brought me”
-Brought Me, written by Evan Felker, performed by Turnpike Troubadours
“…and hold tight to your convictions
For they’re yours to keep
And dig a hole with your dreams to put your nightmares to sleep…”-
-Losers Limousine, written and performed by Hayden Redwine
​
“Everyone that goes up
Must come down, it’s gravity
But staying grounded, safely still
Robs the wanderer of being free
Hammer down as you crest friend
To pick up speed for that next hill
I point my face into the wind friend
To exercise the tragedies that come from my free will”
-Thunderheads, written and performed by Cody Jinks
“Woke up today and decided to kill my ego
It aint ever done me no good no how…”
and
“Oh my God it’s so beautiful
Everything is a part of me
It feels so good you just can’t help but crying
You have to let go so the soul may fall”
-Just let Go, written and performed by Sturgill Simpson
​
​
​
​
​
​